The question...

Words can't express the fear in my eyes.
My heart races as the question arises.
Is this something I want?
How do I feel?
His eyes pierce my soul as he ponders my thoughts.
The question holds firm in my mind.

How do I feel when he intertwines his fingers with mine?
Or when he presses his large soft lips against mine?
What about when his arms firmly and quite strongly squeeze me as he kisses my flushed cheek?
What do I feel?
What are my thoughts?

On and off online friends for months.
Phone calls shared once in a blue moon.
Giggles are given as laughter arises.
Finally we meet.
Stars in the sky couldn't sparkle more...
than the twinkle in his eyes when he looks in my direction.
But how do I feel?
What do I want?

First kiss happened in a blink of an eye.
Romance brews as a friendship grows.
Yet stirring in the back lies the unanswered question.

The smell, the touch, the mood he sets...
allures distress in his absence.
Patience, care and gentleness proceed from his actions...
while mine shake with unsteady and unaware surety.
Where does my heart lie?
Where do we stand?
What's sure in my mind?

I know I miss him when he's gone.
I know though time has been short...
I care for his well being.
When he grasps my hand I never want to let go.
When he softly looks in my direction...
I want to pull him close and kiss those tender lips.

Moments come where I question the destination.
Yet, it's turned around by a sweet simple gesture that melts the heart.
Where do I turn?
Where do I lie?
Should I make a decision or what it out?
Promised no pressure but fears to lead on...
as his heart deepens into the dream of two.

As my mind overheats, heat stroke beckons a cool shower.
Would I lose the greatest opportunity and gift if I let him go?
Our hearts long for the same.
Our goals match the same list.
A few ups and downs couldn't destroy the bond we share.

A few slips here and there...
of the word under my breath as he is preoccupied.
Could it just be the moment...or could it...
just possibly be truth?

Keep pushing it aside as a new moment arises.
A title is longing to be determined.
But what is it worth?
Must I rush the decision?
Or...am I only prolonging the truth?
WHAT DO I FEEL?!
How could this question be so confusing?

I'm treated like a queen upon her throne.
Respect, care and trust intertwine the relationship.
Anyone could point out the genuity of his heart.
I'm hot then I'm cold...
I'm yes then I'm no...
But is it black and white?

Where does my heart lie?
Could I hand over my heart once more?
Am I scared to let him in?
Maybe I know...but too scared to admit it?
Never have I never been given so much in more ways than one.

I never want his arms to let go.
I never want to stop hearing his dorky charming voice in my ear.
 Never would I ever dream of stopping the dance our hearts are beating.
But will I let it happen?
Will the key to my heart unlock the bruised treasure...
I'm deeply scared of giving?
He gives so willingly and trustfully as mine shrinks away in the corner...
when a personal moment arises.

Though time moves forward...
it's as if it stands still when our eyes meet.
Patience is difficult when you know there are feelings inside...
but unsure of how to use them.
Abused and weak, but still wanting to stand up and try again...
it prays for strength.
Will my heart be open to try again?

With an open mind and open heart I take his hand.
Lets see where this adventure could begin.
With an answer still undecided a breath of fresh air fills my lungs...
as I know I care for the man beside me.
A few weeks more with the Spirit guiding...
I turn the key to see if it's worth opening.

Purpose

Time is ticking whether we're prepared or not. Whether or not it's too fast or too slow, we have no say. With a heart full of feeling, and a mind exceeding it's expectations....
          Where will our lives lead? Is this too far? Too close? Ready? Or Not? One more step, then a whole catastrophe of change. What's to expect of the unexpectable?   
          What's to imagine of the unimaginable? The past known as memories...Will they conquer, weaken, or strengthen? Who am I to say I am ready? Why do we dream? Does God ever dream? Have goals? Expectations? So much to learn, so little time. Running and racing, heart pounding and aching, tears streaming, as constant reminders of who and what we are. We're nothing. Nothing? Nothing, yet something. But...why? How? As is all things here. A rain drop, a grain of sand, a bee...but....me? A purpose? For what? For whom? For who....a man? A woman? A child? An elder? Who? When? Now? Before? Soon? So many questions. So little time.
          A purpose.  A dream. A thought. A mind. A somebody. Me. I have a purpose. I have a dream. I am destined for greatness; IF....if I allow myself to be...IF I allow God to help me...IF I believe.

Through One More Day

Life keeps on spinning

It's taking me out of control

Where is the stop from the go?

Where is the peace I need?

Each night I get on my knees

As I pray I say,

"Lord help me find the way."

I say my thank you's,

then pause as I think about the day

But I hesitate to say,

"Lord help me with another Day"

I'm weak in the knees

The world spins around me

as though I'm stuck in time

Pain rushes through my spine

Lord I need thee once more

Please open the door

I'm so grateful for they mercy today

Please give help through one more day.

Trust...or Settle!

Trust in God. That’s the key. No matter what angle you’re looking at it, God sees the big picture whereas we only see what’s right in front of our noses. We had a plan. It was going to take us to the stars; but, He gives you another path that may create fear and confusion in your eyes yet promises joy and blessings.

Do you go with the plan you had that you know you’ll get to the stars? Or do you go with the plan that might be scary, but shoots you millennials away from those small shining rocks to beaming rays of light and love?

It’s a jump. A jump that may cause others to judge you – think you’re going too fast. “You’re going to get hurt,” they say. “It’s too far of a jump. Just wait.” But you know that you must take that leap, for you’ve taken a similar leap before and it has been a blessing to you and those in your life.

Let God be the conductor of your tain, not the world. Don’t push Him to the caboose just so you can see what’s in front of you. You could miss a chance of a lifetime.

Trust…or Settle!

Build, Remember and Trust

          A strong weightlifting hiker gets stuck on an icy cold snowy mountain top. Heart pounding. Avalanche prepared to fall. Wonder and hope freezes as doubt is building up. Not a rescue team in sight. All the strength in one man's workout couldn't hold back nature's arm. How would one survive the fall?
          When an athlete swimmer gets stuck in a whirlpool, is all the former training enough to get him out? Or is it all forgotten while anxiety takes over? Everyone knows he's the best Olympic swimmer; so, no one thought to keep an eye on him as he swam out to sea. Wonder and hope splash dangerously to stay above the depths of doubt.
          Everyone has skills, talents, dreams and abilities; but, even so everyone has weaknesses. Doubt has a way of finding us when we thought we were at the top of our game. What is a dream without hope? What is a talent or skill without practice? - non existent - If we choose to allow faith and hope to rein our path, doubt becomes non existent.
          When an avalanche is tumbling and crushing your dreams and hopes, use that snow from the avalanche and build a structure of strength and passion. When the whirlpool is sucking you down in the depths of despair, relax and remember who you are and what you're capable of.
          We need to learn how to trust ourselves and our Creator. We are made to overcome our weaknesses as they are shown unto us (Ether 12:27). Life was never meant to be easy; for, how would you learn if perfection was given on a silver platter? Trust is personal and a big step. Whether it's within oneself or with another. Do you trust yourself to do the right thing? Do you trust God to lead you down the path that will bring you the most joy even though you can't see it right now? You can overcome doubt and fear as you allow faith and hope to lead and guide your life.
          Sculpt that sculpture! Remember your strength and worth! And learn to trust! In doing so, your path will lead to treasures untold!

Shaping a Diamond

The world spins in various directions. But as soon as you realize the direction its going its trips you right underneath your feet as it switches directions. You think the sun is setting with a calm pace but you soon come to realize it's storming fire and brimstone. Life brings you blackness only to sharpen and press into a diamond. You only see the pain and agony feeling hopeless and pathetic. You're told certain edges will define you and make many love you. But what about the edges that just seem unimportant and worthless. What's the point of shaping and sketching those edges into our lives? As we watch someone's edges get chipped away all we can say is it'll make her into a stronger and more beautiful masterpiece in the end. When there's nothing you can do to stop the painful edges get pulled, yanked and sawed off it feels as if it is happening to your own edges. But there's nothing you can do to make a difference. Only the designer can help guide and shift but in the end only the one He's holding and shaping has control over whether or not they will allow the master to turn them into a diamond. How does one help another when they don't want to be helped? How does one give a piece of their shine of diamond to strengthen and support the other from the pain their going through? At last only the one being shaped has control over their future. And the rest of us can only go so far

One Day of Hope

Heart racing. Memories flying. Life is but a dream. Years pass through as if there's no tomorrow yet tomorrow feels a million miles away. Lessons learned as a child flood the mind while decisions are made. Permission is no longer required and surviving is put upon your own shoulders. The mind acts strong though emotions keep taking lead. How much more can one soul take? A punch here and there takes a toll. But when every few months a new bolder seems to fall down on your head, how does one convince themselves to get back up? Keep moving forward? Hope lasts for so long then doubt rises above it. A night of tears overwhelm the human body as fear arises. A sobbed prayer is loud and clear to the Heavens that this child needs help. Once more help is given and angels bear the bolder once fallen on her head. Though many miracles occur life has a funny way of creating loops. Though faith must over power the weakness one feels as though they're going to drown. But with hope lingering and not backing down it finally makes its way to the top of the tsunami of tears. The sun once again rises and pushes away all storms. As one looks at the starry canvas her heart longs for the new day of hope. Praying for motivation to endure and smile with joy rather than with pain hiding behind her eyes. She rests her head on her damped pillow with a song in her heart, don't worry cause every little thing will be alright. Be still my soul the Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. In time wether in this life or the next her body will be healed and she will be whole again

Life long rollercoaster

My life is an endless rollercoaster. So many ups, downs, swirlies and splash zones. In the beginning you know what ride your getting on then not even  half way through the ride you're confused where your feet are dangling from. Why am I on this ride? Can I get off? Can't turn back now. I think I might be sick. Oh shoot, scary turn up ahead! Hold on tight n shut your eyes. What more can you do? Your vision is blurred as time is racing through your hair down another slope. How do I get off? What and where do I go from here? Does this ride ever end? Will there ever be a smooth and steady ride? Will I ever be as I was before I buckled myself in? Probably not. With a head full of air and a stomach ready to burst my hands shake to what will happen next. Racing and roaring through twirls and loops hope seems to lose grasp. With vision in sight a dream longs for reality; but, it only becomes insanity. Next thing you know you have no control. What you thought was your plan was only to be continued by the man behind the scenes. Where now conductor? What's my next turn? Where's my next loop? When will the end of the ride come? Perhaps, just perhaps, if I learn to enjoy the twists and the twirls by the end I'll be stronger. Perhaps, I can learn to enjoy the moments I'm given. And just perhaps I can become the next woman behind the scenes.

Where to?

Why do we make friends? Get that close relationship, when in the end, only goodbyes and heartache will be presented. Why did we kiss? Why do we kiss? Was it out of lust? Desire for love? For touch? Was it out of hope for something new? Envy of what others had? What about now? Why do we kiss now? Is it really love? Or are we only pretending? Are we only hoping? Are we only dreaming?
Both hurt in the past, only to come to realize more pain is to come. So what now? Make more memories to cry over? Or stop dead in your tracts and start erasing? But why erase when there's been so much joy? But the joy that you cannot keep. So what now!? So many voices in my head telling me different directions, different paths to travel. So many choices, so little time, so many hearts involved, so...much...pain. how to Control? I do not know. Follow my heart? Or my mind? I do not know. My heart says stay, love. My mind says leave, let both lives live and forget. Together they say love yet move on....but none give an easy option. Where my path leads, it's not with, it's without. But with faith, it will work out. One more step. I do not know how, or when, or why. I do not know how. Leap of faith....Leap of faith ...
But what for now? What to do oh what to do!? Neither words nor looks can describe my feelings. What should I do....oh what should I do...

Until we meet again

Ever since I met you, my life has been uphill
Ever since you kissed me, my life has been paused still.

From our first date of its a boat

To our last date of let's go again on Nemo's boat!

With hands held tightly together, our journey keeps getting better.

Though unsure of what the future brings we keep our heads held high.
No matter what will happen, our love for one another will never die.

Not much longer until goodbyes will be made.
Even though oceans will be between us, your smiling face will never fade.

Friends till the end it is a promise. This whole summer has been quite bliss.

Love you, love you more, love you most.

It will always be this way. Until we meet again, I love you.

Friends till the end

Your looks and your smiles give you away
I'm so glad you've decided to stay.
My best friend you are
In our story, you are the star
Your laugh is so cute
Our first date you dressed up in a suite
Give me your hand and let's head on out
Don't be afraid, don't have any doubt.
Friends till the end
This rule will not bend
I love you my bestie
Don't be sad, that's a mustie

Turn your frown upside down

I see the morning shine on bright
With you always in my sight
I love your smile and your voice
I'm so glad you're my choice
Take my hand and you will see
Just how amazing our friendship can be
I'll take you here and you'll take me there
Together we can go everywhere.
I hope in the future we'll always be
Best friends as far as we can see!
I love you dear as my best friend
For my aching heart you always mend.
On this day I want to turn your sad frown upside down so you can smile the days away!

Good Night

Dreams come and go, but the ones that count are the the ones spent with those you care. 

As this day ends I look back at the words shared, and realize I'm loved and cared. 

I couldn't be a luckier girl. I have a family I can call my own, the friends I have are dear, 

But most of all, I have a Heavenly Father who is constantly there. 

No matter how small or big, I matter in His eyes. 

He gave me a mother to dry my crying eyes. 

A father too was given me to teach how to be strong. 

Each lesson learned, with more to come. 

I look around and up above to realize each blessing. 

Back then and now and to come I'm grateful for it all. 

Now on my knees I pray with a full heart, thank you, thank you, now I'm ready.  

I'll serve thee until the end. 

Good night, good night, until tomorrow, 

Good night. 

Darkness to Light

Standing in the middle
Isolation swirls around me
My cry for comfort echoes out
A room with no doors, colored in grey
Is this my fate, destiny and end?

Sharp pain stabbing into my heart
Alone and afraid loneliness is all I get
Regret of the past flies through my mind
This is the end, it's over, I'm finished
No hope to have, no courage to give

A sound! From where? From whom?
My name! Where from? I look around with no luck
Once more my name echoes in the walls
Who's there I cry, as tears melt away
Hope arises in a frozen heart

I'm here, you're safe, don't be afraid
This voice guide me along the way
Who are you? Why can't I see you?
Come get me on out
Come please, be my friend

Temperature rises in my heart
What could be happening on this strange night?
Was as if the room got brighter
A blanket of comfort swept over me
What is this I wondered...what's happening?

I'm here you're safe, don't be afraid
You're loved, thought about, and wanted
Take ease my child, I'm here for you
I've never and will never leave you
Stand tall and be bellowing, take courage

It then clicked, it came on strong
My Father in Heaven came to strengthen me
I opened my heart to let him in
Then the wall opened, and I began to see
With the Lord by my side I'm not trapped
With the Lord as my strength I'm with more then a million
I now know my importance, and week go out and help

Mothers Day

Don't touch this, and don't touch that
Children of young age just love that
Ooh look some paint. Ooh look, a wall
Watch out parents this won't be small

Where you going? And who with?

Mom, stop crowding...his name is Biff.
Ten o'clock tonight, midnight the next
Watch out child, here comes the shot gun with dad the T-Rex

Next thing you know it's all goodbyes
College and missions, bring tears to the eyes
Where have the years gone, Hands clasp hands as then said,
Everything will be ok mom. Just hang on.

Letters are sent, as homesickness arrives
Mom sits at home watching for the mail, wondering if she'll survive
Prayers are said in hope and love
Watching the days snail on by, mom finally gets back to her life...sort of

 
It's time It's time, mom cries
Mom decided to give a welcome home surprise
Running in slow motion as two come together
Mother I've missed you, Child, you too.

Home for a time, but life moves on
A new life has begun, so much to get done
Being in a family that’s so big and loud
Moments alone are few and rare
But when they arrive, they are treated with care

Down on one knee a proposal is made
Down on two knees, a prayer is made
One in a tux, another in a dress and veil
With God's help, this marriage will not fail

Grandchildren have come, and it starts all over
It's a boy! His name is pronounced as Rover.
Even though she is now a grandma, one thing will never change
A mom is a mom, with a love no one can exchange

Mother I love you
Mother I do
Mother there isn’t anything I’d change about you
Happy Mothers day Mom

Endure, Have Faith, Stay Strong - Nov 2, 2011

Falling forward, looking backward

Butterflies flying within

People I care for, People I’d die for

Struggles increasing within

Take my hand, oh dearest friend

Lean on my back, I’ll carry you

Pray to the Lord, have faith, have trust

He’s there watching over you

Put one foot in front of the other

One day you’ll reach the top of the Mountain

Friends? May 17, 2011

Being a friend, when I need one

Listening to others, when I need to speak

Telling others it’s ok to cry, when I need to

Cheering on couples, when I desire to be one

Doing so many things when I need them

I comfort others when I need to be

OH STOP COMPLAINING!

Given love, given peace I am very grateful

Given a home, given food, I am quite thankful

Stop complaining, it’s all good, all is well

God is with us, peace is with us

My family cares, my family loves, my family tries

I am very grateful for my many blessings!

Ben's Farewell - Feb 15, 2011

Talk to ya later…

Heart aching, throbbing…

Tears start coming…

Words coming out reassuring self it’ll be ok

Looking forward to the future!

Expecting the most!

Understanding little!

Thanking technology given today

I hear his voice in my head

I pray for strength in all that’s said

When all is said and done

Amazement that all fun is gone

Confused what to do now…

I lift my head high, hope the best

Pray for help, and watch for letters

This day is done, a journey begun

                                                                Ben’s adventure has come